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That’s probably the hardest question I’ve ever had to answer. How am I actually feeling? I hate when you haven’t talked to someone in awhile and they ask you the most common question of all… “How are you doing?”. I want to tell them what I’ve been feeling and what I’m going through, but there are some things you don’t tell people you only call “friends”, whom you’ll never talk to on a dailybasis or people that aren’t that close to you. So what do you say? I usually go for the old “Meh, I’m fine. A bit stressed, but I’ll be alright”. What else should I say? I can’t even explain it to myself, what I’m feeling.

And that question have been going through my mind for days, weeks, months.. Maybe even years now. How am I actually feeling? So far, I only have little bits and pieces, like maybe my anxiety is worse than I thoughts it was. Let me explain that…

Every time I watch a movie or sometimes just a video, with a person feeling a certain way, my brain and body immediately takes on that “role”, whom this person has, an actor/actress or a real person in irl. For instance, if this person is a quiet, lonely, sad person – I’ll immediately become quiet, lonely and sad. If the person is loud, sassy and all over the place – so will I. And if the person is sick, mentally or health, my body will immediately start feeling the same way. My body is literally overtaking their sickness and personalitys. How do I explain that to someone professional? So going back to the anxiety-part, theories that I have thought about for a while now is, what if that’s just my body and brain trying to fit in without getting judged? What if that’s my brains way of trying to be what it thinks other people want it to be? Like, my brain is doing this so other people will like me and notice me, because what if that’s what i need, attention? 

Because my brain and body is constantly doing this, I’m usually really spaced out. It feels like I’m really drunk and really high. The best way to describe it, is… Hm.. It feels like I’m asleep, but fully awake at the same time. Like, my body is numb and my brain is asleep, but at the same time, I pick up everything around me. I acknowledge people around me and the stuff they are doing. I notice the sound and the colors, but it feels like a dream. It feels like I’m not suppose to be there, but I am.

– And you can’t do much to stop this other than just sit there and wait for it to go away. Sometimes it does go away, but only for a little while. Only for a few minutes, sometimes seconds. And when you’re feeling like this, all you wanna do is go back to sleep, so you don’t have to feel numb and misplaced. 

If you made it to the end, thank you. I wanna say, that if you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone. But I feel alone, so I shouldn’t say something I can’t stand for. That’s it for now. Sorry for the depressed shit. I don’t know who else to talk to, because I can’t explain this to people. So if you know me personally, just know that I’m fine. I’ll be alright. I just have to find a way out of this.

Sam is now offline.

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